Finding Peace in The Midst of Pain

I dropped Maverick off with his care taker, where he’d stay for the next four nights. On one hand, I was sad he wasn’t going, on the other hand, relieved to have time to be with family and move closer toward closure.

Underneath both perspectives, I felt annoyed. Flying to Nebraska for my moms funeral, months after grieving her quick decline, wasn't the trip I wanted to be making. 

“Bye, sweet boy. I love you, we’ll see you in a few days” I said, blowing him a kiss, then closing the door behind me. I knew he didn’t understand where we were going, why, or even that we wouldn’t see him for a few days, but I did.

Jake put his arm around me while we walked to the Truck. I’m often impressed with his insight into my emotions, that I’m not even fully aware of. 

“I believe Gods inviting you to heal this weekend at your moms funeral. We’re not going there just to be sad and grieve. Although, we’ll probably do a little of that too.” He said with compassion. 

That hadn’t occurred to me. As he said that it resonated deeply with me. I wasn't clear on Gods vision for this weekend - a time to celebrate, even though it didn't feel like a celebratory time. There was so much at loss around my moms death. Of course, I was grateful for the new freedom and health she has received in Heaven but where did that leave these tough emotions, for the weekend?

As we walked onto the plane, I felt a strange peace wash over me, like a warm inner hug. A hope rising from within. 

"wow, thanks God. I don't know what You're doing, but I'm so grateful," I prayed.

The next two hours, on the flight, I journaled my conversations with Jesus, asking Him questions, writing down scripture, confessing burden-filled thoughts, and surrendering it all with honesty in His Presence. 

“Where in my heart do I need Your healing Jesus? What’s my part in this healing journey?” I wrote. Although, I wasn’t receiving answers, in that moment, the peace remained. 

God reminded me from His word, “Pour out all your worries and stress upon Him and leave them there, for He always tenderly cares for you.” - 1 Peter 5:7

“Now, may the Lord Himself, the Lord of peace, pour into you His peace in every circumstance and in every possible way. The Lord’s tangible presence by with you all” - 2 Thessalonians 3:16

Handling tough emotions, like grief or disappointment, makes it mostly impossible, to stay in Gods peace. I originally thought God was telling me to be peaceful instead of sad or disappointed but He wasn't.

God gently reminded me, we can’t stay in His peace on our own, there will be trials, grief, and heartache. That's ok, but we can return to His peace when we step out of it.

That was the invitation, that's what God was strengthening me to do. His invitation was to come back into His Presence, to receive more of Him, He is Peace. 

After our flight, spending that time with Jesus, I felt less annoyed and more hopeful to receive the healing God was inviting me into. 

We arrived to my sister, Brooke and Henry's house, being greeted by my more family. I was grateful to see familiar faces, knowing we were all prioritizing this time to support one another and grieve a mom we loved. 

Over the next couple of days, God walked me through a beautiful process of healing with Him. Although, it's not a formula, I'll share the parts of that process I felt was most impactful.

1. Acceptance was one of the first steps I took to begin this process. It helped to acknowledge the pain and tough emotions that come with loss, so I could allow myself to grieve. I invited Jesus into this acceptance part by confessing, "this is hard, but I know You are with me".

2. Compassion was one of the harder steps but definitely necessary. Looking back, I can see where I was really hard on myself when I'd be short with loved ones or over-react from heaviness. However, I kept setting aside time to nurture my wounds with Jesus by going for walks, space and time to cry, journal, and even shopping. I felt Gods grace in my messiness of attempting to be compassionate.

3. Lessons learned is a part of this journey that first came in a hurtful package of condemnation, regret and guilt. Thankfully, as I kept seeking Gods Presence, He turned that negativity into lessons of how to love bigger. It gave me purpose in the pain. This is such a gift, when learning is done with love.

4. Practiced gratitude was a consistent daily habit. Often times my mind would go to "poor me" or "this is too hard" thoughts. Redirecting to blessings, moments of laughter, glimmers of hope, enjoying Gods beautiful creation, and family were all ways I kept practicing gratitude to lift my spirit up. 

5. Forgiveness was one of the most difficult, but most powerful parts to healing. There were aspects of my relationship with my mom I'd already forgiven her for that resurfaced. Going through the forgiveness process in prayer again was necessary. Then of course forgiving myself. I asked God to give me strength to let the anger and condemnation, toward myself, leave. I felt more peace after doing this whenever those emotions bubbled and eventually they quieted. 

From the time we dropped Maverick off, God began a true healing process, that I experienced, to receive more of His peace through. I didn't know where I needed the healing or how it would happen, but He did, so I put my confidence and trust in Him. That's what gave Him the authority to take me through it. He was faithful to deliver in His timing and ways.

My mom's funeral was beautiful. We had a great amount of people from our small town show up, who've known us since we were toddlers. It meant so much to receive their love and support. My sisters and I each wrote our own story and letter to our mom that we shared with grace and honesty, pointing back to Jesus' love. 

Jake and I received an unexpected gift. We ended up coming home to see Maverick a day earlier. God is such a good Father. 

The peace I received in the midst of pain was a powerful testimony of God being our Comforter, Peace, and Healer. I am more resilient and closer to Him from this experience. 

Heavenly Father, 

Thank you that You promise to never leave us, forsake us, but instead You promise to be with us through the valley's and be our Comforter. I'm amazed at Your goodness and faithfulness in all circumstances. I pray You continue to heal the parts of my heart that need it. I will not keep or protect any part of me from You. I pray I learn how to receive more of Your love, so I can pour out more of Your love into every area of my life. It's Your love that casts out all fear. In Jesus Name. Amen.