From ‘Okay babe’ to ‘Tell me More’: Making Your Spouse Your Most Trusted Advisor

Once upon a time, at a cozy dinner party filled with close friends and a few new faces, Mark decided to share one of his go-to humorous stories. His wife, Lisa, sat beside him, sipping her mocktail and smiling politely. Mark, always the entertainer, knew how to command a room. He began, his voice booming over the soft background music.

"So, get this," he started, a grin spreading across his face. "Lisa here"—he gestured toward her with a playful nudge—"she thinks it's a good idea to organize the pantry by... wait for it... color!" He rolled his eyes dramatically, waiting for the chuckles he was sure would follow. "I mean, who organizes their food like a rainbow? I'm just looking for the pasta, and I'm like, is it under 'red' for marinara or 'yellow' for the box?" He chuckled, and a few others joined in, albeit a bit hesitantly.

Lisa's smile tightened. She could feel her cheeks flush, but she kept her expression composed, taking another sip of her drink to mask her discomfort. She had indeed organized the pantry by color, but not because it was silly or whimsical—she did it to make things more visually appealing and easier to locate. It made her happy. It was a small thing, but it was her thing.

Mark, oblivious to Lisa's growing discomfort, continued, "And don't even get me started on the spice rack! It's like a game of 'where's the pepper' every time I try to cook. Who needs that kind of stress?" He laughed louder, this time encouraging the others to follow suit.

A few more laughs trickled in, but the energy in the room shifted. Most people could sense that Mark's humor was starting to cross a line. Lisa’s best friend, Sarah, who knew her well, gave her a sympathetic look.

Lisa smiled, but her eyes held a hint of sadness. She knew Mark wasn’t trying to hurt her, but his need for approval, even at her expense, was beginning to sting.

Have you ever been in this awkward moment when hanging out with couples?  Or maybe you've been Lisa ...or even Mark.

A while back, Whit and I decided to create a vision for our marriage. As I was asking myself what my best case scenario marriage would look like, I couldn’t help but think about times when I had seen couples who seem to be annoyed with each other‘s opinions, perspectives, and takes on life. It seemed like they had a history of keeping score regarding who is right and who is wrong and each having their own opinion about which one should be making the decisions in certain areas if they were going to avoid the disaster that the other one caused last time

Whit and I have not been immune to this - and it stands out to me as something I have a real distaste for.  Something that would have NO PLACE in my 'vision' for my marriage.

So what’s the vision for something different?

Let’ start with one of my favorite lines from a song - Happy Birthday to Jaaaaake.  Wait, not that favorite line.  This one is from She Likes the Beatles by William Clark Green “So it never bugs me when she's always wrong - As long as she's wrong with her hand in my hand.”

I notice a little emotion show up in my eyes every time I hear that line. As a matter of fact, I noticed it just now as I typed it. I believe the reason that happens to me is because I genuinely value my relationship and connection with Whit higher than I value living an easy life because I made every decision perfectly.

I'd rather feel IN LOVE than feel RIGHT ...10 times out of 10

I decided that in my vision for my marriage, Whit would be my most trusted advisor. She would be my favorite opinion. When she speaks I would expect wisdom and I would listen for the Holy Spirit's revelation-knowledge to come tumbling out of mouth.

.

…and naturally after I decided that, I immediately did it perfectly [eye-roll]

The more I reflected on how to do this and how to know if I was even making a real effort I landed on the 4 ingredients I would attempt to include in our interactions:

1. SLOW DOWN & LISTEN: Yes - actually focusing my attention on what she is saying like the answer I’m looking for is coming next - even when my mind is racing as I try and sort out the next “ right” action.  I noticed that by default, I often see the time she’s talking as an opportunity to brainstorm the insight I could impress her with next.  That’s NOT the vision.
   
   
2. CHOOSE TO TRUST HER: To me that means valuing her perspective, especially when it doesn’t make obvious sense to me.  I would notice thoughts like, “She doesn’t understand.” or my catastrophizing the future of the path she is presenting and I remind myself that trust is ALWAYS a choice and I know why I’m choosing - it’s because I’d rather be unified than justified.
   
   
3. CHECK MYSELF: I’m serious - I’m talking about ending my love affair with my own opinion.  It means REFUSING envy, competition, and pride. Not that I could ever remove those from my life experience, but I will retain authority over who is making decisions in my brain and none of those three get a vote.
   
   
4. LIVE IN INTEGRITY: The catalyst for this all is the most important ingredient. My trust of Whit and her position as most trusted advisor is never at risk. It is not based on some sort of scorecard about my opinion of how often her perspective leads to the result that we want. It’s a matter of MY choice and MY character. It is nothing but an opportunity for me to live in integrity. To honor my value of connectedness over perfection. It’s my chance to truly live from the belief that if I were given the choice, I would rather be wrong with her hand in my hand.

Do you have a vision for your marriage?  Want one?  Let’s create one together:September 26th at 7pm Central Time.  Click here to sign up and I’ll get you a worksheet that you can use to create your vision on your own, join us LIVE to work on it together, or watch the replay if that time doesn’t work for you.

One little nudge …if your marriage could use a vision, prioritize the time.  Sacrificing what you think you “should be doing” at that time and taking a leap of faith for your marriage could be an opportunity to honor your vision before it is even complete 🙂